Hot mess biscuits and gravy

I was feeling ambitious this Saturday morning. I decided I was going to try a biscuit recipe that is top secret and carefully guarded by the Knights of the Templar (got it from a resident I used to take care of, and she handed out the recipe like it was going out of style). This is my adventure.

Preheat oven to 475

2-1/3 cups butter milk (if you don’t have buttermilk there is a way to make it with milk and vinegar but I’ve never tried it/have no idea how)

1 tsp cream of tar tar

6 cups Self-rising Flour (I used regular flour I had in my pantry I don’t know if there is a difference as you will see I am NOT Betty Crocker)

1-1/2 tsp Salt

3/4 cups Fat. I chose shortening

2tbs butter to brush on at the end


Combine all the dry ingredients.

You should sift but I don’t have a sifter-thing because I’m not a real woman. Use three year old and six year old to “sift” everything together.


Add the fat. I use two butter knives to cut it all in but I think there is a cutter thing that makes it way easier…if you know what that is use that.


Stir everything together. Acknowledge how well everything is going, how happy everyone is and how much fun you’re all having!


Add the buttermilk and knead together.


Remember that our three year old has some weird texture issue and deal with the he fact that he is instantly pissed off about the biscuits and announces he will not be eating any.


Realize you also don’t have a rolling pin because you are a pathetic excuse for a woman.


Call your amazing mother in law to bring you a rolling pin because she is a better woman then you are. She will also bring tomatoes from the local vegetable stand and you will want to cry but don’t becaus you need to keep your shit together.


Demote baby who is OVER IT to bouncer on the ground.


Having successfully ignored your three year olds tantrum and made the experience seem way more fun than it actually is at this point, now he will decide he will participate in the making of the biscuits.


Make a face because you are practically just a large child.

Roll out dough with your mother in laws rolling pin and use cookie cutter to cut into beautiful shapes.

Melt butter

Brush butter on biscuits!

Eat a tomato.

Realize biscuits are too doughy inside and are nasty. Assure six year old they will taste better with gravy and then breathe a sigh of relief that this recipe makes like 18 biscuits and you can make your next batch better.

Burn next batch because you were playing with baby.

Glare at husband who is successfully making delicious gravy because this burly manly man is a better woman than you are.

Cry because there is no wine.

Open up can of pilsbury biscuits…

Don’t tell the kids and let them believe that the biscuits were just transformed by the gravy….


…..the end.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s