Who you are and who you wish you were

Never ever fight infront of your kids. Never ever break down infront of your kids. Don’t talk about adult stuff infront of your kids, they don’t understand.

These are all true and try as I might sometimes, like yesterday, I break those rules. And then they stare at me wide eyed and I just think to myself “Shit.” And try to tell them everything’s ok and that they aren’t in trouble. Luckily for me they are easily bought with goodies and all three of us share a mutual love for donuts.

  Then the entire rest of the day is smothered in mom-guilt.

Almost everything I do has mom-guilt trailing behind. Make breakfast, not healthy enough. Don’t make breakfast because we’re running late and they can eat at daycare, not giving them a healthy start for the day.Yell because they aren’t moving and you’re going to be late, don’t yell and have them fight and cry and refuse to move and everyone wonders why “your kids don’t listen!” 

People are so involved in parenting children that aren’t theirs it’s frustrating.  I already feel guilty enough without someone else putting in their two cents.

My mother in law is such a calm relaxed person. She always knows exactly what to say and do and never says anything infront of the kids. She even gives my husband and I gentle reminders occasionally that the kids are listening and to watch what we say. I wish I was more like her. I feel like my kids are missing out on yin and yang because they have two parents who are forceful and slightly short tempered. 

I try to be balanced. Sometimes it takes the physical act of me walking into the room and whispering to myself “Be softer, please be softer”. I feel like I am fighting against some deep rooted instinct to rear my children with an iron fist. Every day is a effort to train myself to be softer, and sometimes I fail. And I go to bed feeling the weight of that failure on me.

Parenting my children is mostly very fun. It’s easy to laugh and love and enjoy every day, but some days are not so fun. Some days are hard and I go in my bathroom and eat candy in secret so I don’t have to share. Some nights I cry for no reason and when I wake up in the morning I realize I was crying from just sheer exhaustion. 

I have learned to laugh at my “mombie” persona. I channel her on those hard days. She is kind of bitchy, drinks copious amount of coffee, is weapy and needs to go to bed early. She almost always fights with her husband before bed and does the dreaded “go to bed angry”.

In the morning normal mom has returned. I tell my husband “Sorry for the person I was before I got some sleep!” And he rolls his eyes and hugs me usually, acknowledging his own dad-bie persona and faithfully not mom-shaming me like the rest of the world would. This is why he’s my person.

“Sorry for the person I was before-” has become a staple in my vocabulary. Usually it’s before “donuts” and “coffee”, but about once a week it’s before “I got some sleep”. 

^breastfeeding while brushing hair while getting ready for work. See my coffee cup on the ground? Ya. Like a boss.

So I am going to say I’m content with the life I’m living, I do my absolute best to be the best I can be and I fall short sometimes but it’s because I love my children and want them to have the best. I’m going to go ahead and table those mom goals that make us all feel inadequate because I don’t have the time nor the energy to carry that load. I’m going to accept myself for who I am and count my husband twice when I count my blessings. 

And tomorrow I get a donut because this has been one HELL of a week (did I mention it’s only Tuesday and I’m already getting stress cold sores and loosing hair??)

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