Saying Goodbye

My Aunt called me on the evening of 9/27/2016 to let me know that my Grandpa (on my biological father’s side) Wayne had passed away in his home.

I called my mom and let her know, talked to my husband, talked to my sister and then took a shower. It was in the shower that it really hit me.

I mean, isn’t that how it always goes? I feel like my deepest thoughts are formed while in a hot shower.

I definitely sobbed; I am famous for my ugly cry. I got out of the shower snot-nosed, puffy eyed and hiccuping. Crying always makes everything feel better for me; maybe that’s why I cry so easily.

My Grandpa has been living in pain on time borrowed by constant prescription medication. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and although they cleared him, we all saw the decline that came after. The fact that he passed away in his home is truly a blessing for him. I can’t imagine him having it any other way. As a matter of fact, I know he wouldn’t have had it any other way. He had told me over the phone one time that he would not be dying in a hospital.

I met him for the first time that I can recall when I was 18 years old. I was pregnant with my daughter Annabelle, and all I knew about him were the stories I’d heard. I heard about his larger than life temper, that he liked to play hard and travel, I heard that he had questionable sources of income, that he was very OCD, that he did everything with intense passion and that he loved my aunts and my dad very much even though he struggled to show it some times.

My mental image was of a large, crazy wild man who would be scary to be around. And that couldn’t have been further than the truth.

This was him bribing my daughter into giving him kisses by offering her berries.

Sure, all of the stories I had heard were rooted in truth but there was a LOT more to him than that. He was a small, kind of goofy man who wore khakis and Hawaiian shirts. He adored my daughter and loved my sister and I so much despite the fact that we were all strangers to eachother. His love for us could be felt from great distances.

I always felt like even during times where I felt alone while dealing with the pain my biological father brought to my life, my Grandpa was in my corner.

This man who I had never known filled in a place in my heart I hadn’t realized I had set aside for him. It was as if he had always been there.

I wish I had known him better. I wish we had been closer, that I would’ve called him more. I wish that I would have visited him more. I really regret that.

I will never forget the time that I have been able to know him, and he will live on through the crazy stories that I have always heard about this man who lived a very large life.

I pray for his peace and healing for my family.

Love you Grandpa!

*And for anyone bothered by my writing this, this is just how I am getting this out. This blog has actually become very special to me, and writing in it really is very therapudic. It caught me off guard how quickly I just knew I needed to write this out, and how much better I feel having gotten the words out of my head

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