Shitty Advice We Receive: A Memoir

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I KNOW I am not alone when I say that mothers in today’s society have an UNREAL amount of pressure. WE. ARE. NEVER. DOING. IT. RIGHT.

The worst advice I ever received was when each of my children were newborns. The funny thing is, no one ever assumed that I might have learned from the first time around. Honestly, unless someone asks you directly, its not helpful. Its frustrating. Its frustrating that someone who is not there thinks they know the answer. Even good intentions can be received badly is they are not wanted.

So here is a list of bad advice, and I will share this in the hopes that everyone will stop giving it.

Have you tried swaddling him/her?

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What…what is this swaddling you speak of?!?!

YES I HAVE TRIED SWADDLING. That was the FIRST THING I TRIED. Contrary to popular belief, not all babies like being swaddled. And even the ones who do are not going to have every ailment cured by a tight swaddle.

And I don’t want to hear you laundry list of swaddle brands I need to try.

You spoil him/her.

Shut up shut up shut up shut up.

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My baby isn’t spoiled, he is a baby.

I don’t understand why there is this rush to make our babies as independent and self-sufficient as soon as possible. They are BABIES. They think sneezes are hilarious. I am just a big believer in the idea that you can’t spoil a baby.

Jacob has to cry sometimes. I mean he is one of three, and my others still have valid needs that need to be addressed and dealt with. But I take care of him as well as I can and as promptly as I can. Because I love him and this will be over soon.

And if he WAS spoiled, that is also none of your concern. I can still be tired. I can still say “man we had a rough night”. Telling me that I’m spoiling my baby is not only not helpful, but its rude.

Gripe water

Gripe water is a good thing to mention to a first time mom once. Mention it one time. And if you see someone already suggested it in previous comments, chances are she tried it. You don’t have to keep beating her and her baby over the head with your gripe water.

Gripe water (to me) is not a magic cure. Sometimes it worked, but sometimes swaddling worked. Its a hit and miss shot in the dark sometimes. Chances are if a mom is saying “OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS BABY” they have already tried MANY things.

Give the baby to someone else, he/she can sense your tension

I feel like this is actually excellent advice. But, it needs to be given by the right person in the right way. Its true, and sometimes a break is the cure you need. But what young mother wants to be told that if they would just calm down and go away things would be better?

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Its immensely frustrating when you have been struggling with a baby for hours and someone hold her for two seconds and she falls into a blissful sleep.

So I would say this is good advice, but needs to come from the right source.

Also, if twenty people are telling me that I need to take a break, but none of them are there to give me a break, then that advice is shit.

*So your are done having babies…riiiight? Facial expression*

So although this isn’t advice, I think its super shitty. Its the shittiest. Its so shitty, I would probably just put it in the backyard and hose it off because there is no way I wouldn’t end up accidentally getting shit on the carpet.

I don’t know why women (and men) feel like they have the right to comment on the size of a family. Just because you can’t imagine having that many children, doesn’t mean other people have to limit their family size.

I remember when I got pregnant with my third and I would get the knowing eye-brow raise from ladies in line at the grocery store. It took everything in me not to flip them off. 50% of that could be because I was 9 months pregnant at the grocery store corralling two wild banshees while trying to sneak a snickers past them so I wouldn’t have to share. But I digress.

“Toughen” up your nipples while you’re pregnant to prepare them for breastfeeding.

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What the ACTUAL fuck? I’m sorry. It doesn’t work. I would never work. Just…just leave your tits alone. If anything, treat them very gently and kindly because once that baby comes out they are going to be abused.

Put your baby down sleepy but awake so he/she will learn to self soothe

OK. I hate to say this is bad advice, because I feel like since I keep hearing it there must be babies out there that this works for. I will say this never worked for any of my babies.

When I put my babies in their cribs, they are asleep. And it was like that scene on Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark when he is exchanging the golden statue for a bag of sand. Stressful, tense and life-threatening.

I did the cry it out method with Annabelle and it worked for her eventually, but I never peacefully layed her in bed and walked away like in the movies. That shit never happened for me.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

My baby slept through the night at 4 seconds old…

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*this is an obvious exaggeration*

Wow. Wow. You are amazing. Your baby is amazing. You are the messiah descended from the heavens to save me from eternal sleep-damnation. Thank you. THANK. YOU.

If you are talking to a new mom who is desperately tired and trying to vent, and you answer with something smug like this, punch yourself in the vagina please. Right in the vagina. You deserve it. You have failed woman-kind.

Have any more bad advice? Share in the comments bellow!

 

11 thoughts on “Shitty Advice We Receive: A Memoir

  1. Tera

    You probably shouldn’t co-sleep ….

    Yeah that’s great advice an all but unless you are the one getting up every two hours to feed a screaming infant and changing their diapers, I give absolutely no f@!#s about your opinion. If baby gets more sleep, then mama gets more sleep and we all live happily ever after.

    Like

  2. We were told that our pediatrician was wrong about how we should feed our son. “Pediatricians don’t actually know the most recent vaccination and feeding recommendations…”

    Unbelievable.

    Like

  3. Your baby should sleep in your room for at least 6 months. —uh, I like my sleep so that doesn’t work for me or I listen to every little sound they make. Love this, you are hilarious!!

    Like

    1. I cosleep 100% of the time and my baby is a year old…so basically I haven’t slept in a year lmao you are strong! Every. Single. Sound. I never realized just HOW LOUD a baby can snore.

      Like

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